The past 2 weeks my daughter has been bullied viciously by an 11 year old child. This child is clearly in a lot of pain. It has been a lot of drama and has turned my home upside down.
When the child drew a photograph of my daughter burning to death in a fire I reported it to the school and forbid my daughter from ever being friends with the girl again.
My daughter has a very tender heart. This has torn her up emotionally. This has caused so much heart ache in our house. She is not sleeping. I am not sleeping.
2 days ago my daughter started to receive electronic messages from this child apologizing, messages saying she (the child) is “evil” and “wrong”, and all the things a child that clearly is in pain would say to themselves. I am not surprised by this.
Much to my surprise all of this started to trigger me.
I must take care of my daughter and yet I have so much compassion for this other child. I do understand where she’s coming from. How can someone not? She’s clearly abused, or something is just clearly not right.
I never said or did any of these things to another child at that age (that I recall). But I was in a tremendous amount of pain. These years (approximately 11 – 14) were the hardest of my life. The sexual abuse had pretty much ended but I was left with the aftermath and the verbal abuse. It was during this time that I made my first suicide attempt because I was that desperate to just be gone. I felt completely alone. And as much as I must be there for my child to protect her during this time (and I will), I also have felt pain of this young girl the past 2 weeks.
I typically meditate daily and my therapist recommended that I notice any loneliness that feel when I breathe during this time. As I was meditating I started to think about my 11 year old self and I could see myself as 11 years old come in and sit next to me. I was surprised but I didn’t judge her. Or at least I tried not to. Frankly, I don’t care for her and I think she knows that. It took years for me not to hate my 6 year old self. Maybe she knows that some day I won’t hate her either which is why she stayed. Maybe she’s taking a chance on me, as much as I am on her. Either way, she came in and was just there. I just continued to breathe and be still and let her be there.
That was yesterday. As I’m sitting here writing this I’m asking myself why she would come and just be there. What is the purpose? Why now?
And the thought comes to mind, “So she won’t be alone”.
Profound? I don’t know. What I do know is that SHE NEVER FELT LIKE SHE MATTERED TO ANYONE. She felt hated. She felt like a waste. She felt like she would be better off if she was dead. She wanted to die. She truly was completely and utterly alone. Maybe I can be there for her.
Maybe. Can I love her? Can she trust me?
I am about to cry.